The first week

So, I've turned 42.

I has been a great ride so far. I learned much and experienced plenty.

The family is my main priority. Everything I do seems to be working towards providing the needs for us. Our financial, spiritual, physical and emotional health rules all. In the past I've often expressed that I felt stretched thin and pulled in many directions. Pressures have moulded me into a cog within the machine and I do not feel personally stretched anymore. I feel the whole unit stretch instead of just me.  Once I might have thought 'I'm tired and need to sleep' I now think I'm tired and this is going to effect the family....'

I feel, at 42 years old, that I exist with more ego recognition.  I can see the difference between what I want and what I need. I see impermanence, and change. I've grown accustomed to change. I remember a teacher in grade 11, maybe his name was Mr. D....., and he wrote on the board one morning. 'All the fun in life is how you say a thing'.
I also remember driving around, years later, in a pickup truck, direct selling door-to-door meat and seafood. The company I worked for gave us tapes to increase our sales potential, and the message repeated to motivate us was, 'Attitude is everything'. Over and over...

 I also remember when I learned a small magic trick. If you write something down that you want, it really happens. Years ago, I read a book about creating your life path. I then wanted to meet a certain type of partner, live in a certain place and work in a certain job. It is unbelievable how I presently have all of those things and more.

What is it that has allowed me pass through this life and arrive, reflecting at this blip In time which has passed so suddenly?

Sacrifice and contemplations. It is normal to contemplate  on death, but not in an obsessive, morbid sense. Just reflecting on our universal connectivity and relatively short time here in this body. In 2013, I spent many hours with terminally ill men who became my close friends. These men have since passed on. My awareness of death and life has increased.
 Awareness, I am aware of the bible and of the NHL but that awareness does not make me an expert. My awareness is understanding that it is only a gauge on a scale of interpretation. My awareness is an illusion because it is only a temporary interpretation.

When I need to make a decision.
Sacrifice your desires when you have the chance. If you have 2 choices, often it is best to tackle the the choice you don't want to do. A technique to enhance your ability to make the necessary sacrifices In life is to do something you love and deny to climax, or completion, or reward. Deny yourself the satisfaction of completion and you deny yourself the opportunity to 'pat yourself on the back' and feed your pride/ego. You water the plants and move on.

Shambhala discussions sometimes call this touch-and-go. You can touch-and-go with everything, and this constant movement prevents the water from getting stagnant. So what is important? If I think that it is important to have a fully stocked fridge, and children who have perfect table manners, does that mean I'm taking other parts of my life for granted? Does making your bed in the morning take precedence over wearing matching socks?

At 42, I feel best when I maximize the 24hours in a day. Maximizing allows for free-time and structured time.  Structure that is not like a stiff branch which will snap in a storm, and not so flexible like a sapling unable to support any weight. Touch-and-go. What ingredients do I put into this daily soup? Love for the family and community, diet, hygiene, exercise and sleep. Routines are promoted. Sissors and keys are always put back. Wash your hands before eating. Brush your teeth, don't interrupt, and look others in the eyes. Schedules and important, but don't overschedule. Touch-and-go.

When I first felt the tattoo needle it stung. Like the song goes, 'the first cut Is the deepest' and the first prick of the needle feels sharp where no feeling had been seconds before. After many minutes of the tattoo process, you can discern levels of pain and variations of the pain. Warm pain, hot itching pain, non-specific regional pain, pleasure-full pain... tatooing is a great example of impermenance. You think that the pain is too much or too uncomfortable and then it changes. Incremental changes are happening all the time.

 My youth was filled with idealism, and now I am looking at the world with 'realism'. My 'view from here' is one of constant change. I see a cyclical nature to this change. I have not studied the cycles yet, but I think that they will become more apparent soon. Cycles of milk in the fridge, and bananas on the counter. Kids shoes and haircuts. We all know that the four seasons come and go and it is understood that our weeks turn to months turn to years. If we see the patterns of change and consumption on a day-to-day cycle, why do we not look more distantly into the future?

When I signed the mortgage contract, X years seemed so intangible. If I look at the power bill it seems so real. Both contracts are equally as real, but I am beginning to change my vision. Both this house and a pair of shoes will be someday turned to dust, yet my ability to exist here and now remains. At 42, I see closeup and far away at the same time.

I've learned that the cost is always there, whether it be time, money, or sacrifice of something else. I choose not the to do many of the things that I have done in my youth. My priorities have changed. I'm trying to help out all around me, and I have learned that events occur beyond my control which possitively effect my life. I've learnt that karma really does exist! Forces beyond my control help in inexplicable ways when I repress my ego.

Pema Chodron says, "be free of fixed mind, take care of others and make friends with yourself."
Make friends with yourself, hmmm....